Dating Body Image EMKatz on Short Men and Chubby Women.. email woman dumped because overweight.

Dating coach Evan Marc Katz blew open  a discussion about body image .. it is harsh and the comments .. worse..some of the comments are snipey and unkind… So if you are feeling sensitive.. do not read this.

I am realistic, I know you have to be attracted physically to who you want to marry. I have an email from a woman who is trying to be realistic too.  She fell for a man in the public eye.  They got along amazingly well and spent hours together, he was attracted to her and physical with her but mentioned he would be more attracted when she loses weight. One of her friends said he must be a narcissist to dump her for her weight and awkwardness when she will eventually get that together, she had been losing weight but had to take a time out temporarily from heavy exercise because of an injury.  But she is tired of people slapping the narcissist label on every man that wants something for his own reasons.  What would you say to this woman to encourage her?

EMK’s article.. has a lot of talk about physical attraction… raw talk and sometimes it hurts.  How can we heal from this and accept ourselves as we are when people we love or want to love go for the surface looks over our personhood?  When we know they really dig us and it is only physical flaws that keeps them from thinking we are the whole package they are looking for. That is the tough reality… especially in the public eye and media… but also in the local junior high.

As I am trying to help my children with their body image… and they are constantly bombarded with the obesity campaign at school. It is distressing to see very young kids be so upset over a little bit of weight.. but they sense that they may not get what they want if they are not the best they can be, especially the close relationships they want.  Some say how do we combat biology… just make the best of what you have and  don’t give up.  But in the meantime… how do we teach ourselves and teach our kids how to feel confident when the world says you don’t rate unless you look like this.

Any positive feedback or wisdom about what you tell your kids or friends .. welcome.

Dating from EMK:

If You Are Short, Fat, or  Older, You Must Read This.

If you’re a regular reader, you probably knew that I was on the CBS Early Show in July. Appearing with me was one of my all-time favorite clients, Tom Pandolfo. Charming, charismatic, successful, warm, athletic… Tom has it all. The only thing missing in his life is a woman. So, after hiring me as his dating coach, we set to work in rebranding him on Match.com. We took new professional photos. We had Tom fill out my long questionnaire and submit to an hour of questions from me on the phone. We wrote two new profile essays that were unique, funny and confident. We renamed him “LookMaNoHair.” And we watched as his in-box filled up with interested women. You can see what a great experience it was in this CBS Early Show clip: What I haven’t yet mentioned is that Tom Pandolfo is 5’3″. Height doesn't define a man as a husbandI didn’t want to mention it for the same reason that Tom didn’t want to mention it in his profile: because it’s irrelevant to anything that makes him a good accountant, husband, or father. Yet his height defines him, since it has prevented otherwise interested women from being interested in him over the course of his entire life.

Height is irrelevant to anything that makes a man a good husband or father.

This instantly reminded me of a story thatABC did years ago on this very issue. To see if the women would go for short guys who were successful, ABCNEWS’ Lynn Sherr created extraordinary résumés for the shorter men. She told the women that the shorter men included a doctor, a best-selling author, a champion skier, a venture capitalist who’d made millions by the age of 25. Nothing worked. The women always chose the tall men. Sherr asked whether there’d be anything she could say that would make the shortest of the men, who was 5 feet, irresistible. One of the women replied, “Maybe the only thing you could say is that the other four are murderers.” Another backed her up, saying that had the taller men had a criminal record she might have been swayed to choose a shorter man. Another said she’d have considered the shorter men, if the taller men had been described as “child molesters.” Lest you think this is an example of reality TV finding evidence to support a story, Tom tried his own experiment last week. Sure enough, few women give a fair shake to a man who is 5’3”, no matter what else he has going for him. I’m going to let Tom take it from here. So I tried changing my profile for three days just to see what the difference was between being 5’3″ and 5’10”. I wanted to know if height was the only difference and the constant deal breaker. So I moved my profile from Pittsburgh and posted it for 3 days in a town where nobody knew me (Philadelphia). Here’s what I found:

5’3” in Pittsburgh 5’10” in Philadelphia
Mutual matches 0 80
Reverse matches 12 400
Petite women w/pics w/in 50 miles 45 650
Views in 3 days 11 212
Emails received – unsolicited 0 32
Winks received – unsolicited 2 28
Emails sent out 6 6
Replies received to emails sent out 0 6

This proves, in stark and undeniable terms, two things:… Life – and people – can be incredibly unfair. We talked about this just the other day. People want what they want. They’re attracted to what they’re attracted to. And no amount of complaining is going to change it. Oh, and I am one helluva dating coach. 60 unsolicited contacts in three days? Six replies from six emails sent? Come on. That’s pretty damn good! Okay, I’m kidding about the last part, but only because I’m so serious about the rest of this. Really, it kills me.

Why, in God’s name, is it important for women to stand on tiptoes to kiss a guy?

Believe me, Tom is no “woe-is-me” kind of guy. He’s just been confronted with a very ugly reality that has shaken his confidence in people. And even though we had good initial results, the fact remains, empirically: women don’t want short men. And although you can feel free to substitute“older women”, “older men”, “heavier women”, or “Asian men”, I honestly feel that nobody gets a rawer deal than short guys. Honestly, ladies…You can get your own dishes from the top shelf. You don’t really need to feel “protected” from the dangers of suburbia. And why, in God’s name, is it important to stand on your tiptoes to kiss a guy? So how about it, women? Is there any legitimate reason not to go out with this amazing, amazing man? Talk to me. I want to hear the truth.

51

 (1,215 COMMENTS).

Comments:

  1. 1

    lady anonymous

    Honestly? It’s because I like to feel small next to a guy. I’ve been insecure about my weight my whole life. A tall, broad man does wonders for making me feel dainty next to him.
    1. 1.1

      proudshortman

      Why do need to feel small next to a guy and feel dainty? I feel like I’ve been transported to the 1950s. You make no sense. Today’s women are so weak and pathetic.
      1. 1.1.1

        Just My Two Cents

        Hey, that’s not fair. It’s rude to call her sad and pathetic. That is just her preference as many people have. Same way some men are absolutely not attracted to fat women or skinny women. Could it be also that the women HE WANTS simply do NOT WANT him?
        1. SparklingEmerald

          I’m beginning to think the problem isn’t short, fat, bald, skinny, big noses, little noses, crossed eyes or what have you. I think a real sense of entitlement has crept into male/female relationships. I think the rudeness that abounds between men and women might be a bigger barrier than anything.
        2. Trimmer80

          Refusing to date a short guy isn’t a preference. It’s a deal breaker. I have a preference for brunettes but I’d still date a blonde. Too many women use “preference” to try and not sound like shallow bitches. If you refuse to date someone based on one thing that’s completely outside of their control, that has nothing to do with preference. Refusing to date a guy SOLELY because he is short is shallow by definition. Having a preference for taller guys is one thing; flat out refusing to date a guy who’s short is completely another.
        3. Jenn

          What if you’re refusing to date him because he’s short and unattractive and doesn’t have a good job and he doesn’t want kids, etc? And men are plenty shallow, too. How come it’s okay for them to say that they’re just not attracted to someone (for whatever reason), but when women say it it’s because they’re shallow bitches?
        4. bruno

          Okay, we can all want what we want. But it is typically women who consider that they often settle for a “lesser men”. Men don’t settle, they don’t think that way. You women are degrading in many ways. Men when they decide on a women, don’t typically think they could have gotten someone higher on their list. After all that a man can do for a women, to have her consider him a lesser man do to height is very insulting.
        5. ozzy

          In mating mechanism, taller preference is of course one way to tell that the man is healthy — same as beautiful looks and slim body to women. We’re likely to choose the best gene in purpose of bearing an healthy child. It’s not unfair. But without being tall, dispositional characters of men (humorous, intelligent, creative) can be a substitution for that matter — not to mention how personality takes the most part in long term relationship. Not like most men, women are not SO attracted by looks. But how about fat and ugly women out there, do they still got a chance? Yes, if you’re worried so much about being fat, go to the gym. And looks, believe it or not, we tend to get attracted to someone who has similar face. Despite you’re being ugly, there’s no reason to reject someone who looks close enough to yourself. Most women I know they want these rich, handsome, tall, intelligent, and funny, of all possible men out there. Sure, there’s nothing wrong about that. But if you don’t always get what you want, try to accept the reality instead of being shallow bitches.
        6. Julia

          “Could it be also that the women HE WANTS simply do NOT WANT him?” Head: meet nail.
      2. 1.1.2

        Jill

          1. kudzugirl
            It might be pathetic…but men make these same excuses when they’re talking about fat or unattractive women. The mantra is: I can’t help who I’m attracted to… you can’t make me be attracted to someone who isn’t… biology… blah blah blahFor the record, I’m a petite woman (read very thin) who’s 5’4 and I did date men who were my height. I have an admitted preference for much taller men (husband is 6’4 and most of my boyfriends were over 6 feet tall), but at least two “short” men turned my head because they had an engaging personality and were in good shape. (One was a Marine and you would have thought that guy was a giant from the level of confidence. Way sexier than many very tall men.)Along with not wanting to feel like a land whale next to your date, you also have to field stupid comments from everyone around you. If your guy is confident, you can get through it. If he’s not… Let’s just say I’ve seen plenty of shorter men dump their taller girlfriends for a smaller female. It’s probably because they get insecure about the sizeism too.
          2. 1.1.9

            Julia

            Why are you shaming her for stating her preference? Why are men trying to control women’s body? Women’s preferences? Women’s sexuality? given how insecure your outlook and how you appear, you don’t seem to be particularly proud. Rather, fairly complexed…
            1. jam

              how in the hell are you going to show your personality to a girl who doesn’t even give you a chance because you are shortfact: woman would rather live with a Tall Tattooed guy in a trailer in an abusive relationship then to date a short nice guy who has a very good shop and is amazing guy over all
              99.9% of the bitches want tall guys and they do this subconsciously.
        1. 1.2

          Recently Heartbroken

          I think lady anonymous has said truthfully what a lot of women feel.  We want to feel feminine.. she may have said dainty.  But … we were brought up to want to be gentle and kind and light on our feet.  Some of us are athletic or curvy and have been criticized for years for our bodies.  Don’t try to minimize her feelings…  they are totally legitimate.  It does not diminsh your manhood to recognize that she wants to feel feminine.  Maybe try to find ways to make your female friends and relatives feel appreciated and feminine and accepted and that accepting nature will attract a woman whatever your size relative to hers.
        2. 1.3

          Suchaeffnlady

          I feel exactly the same! Word for word! Dainty is hard for a geavier taller girl to feel!

The comments continue… and just get more harsh.. but it is interesting.

——– more

          1. ok
            You know lady anonymous, overweight people can lose the weight whereas short men like me don’t have any option, plus I’m asian which makes it even more challenging.  My guy friends who are over 6′ tall with average looking face always brags about getting laid…doesn’t seem fair.
          2. 1.5

            dude anon

            i would get ripped into on the internet if i said i wouldnt date a girl thats heavier than me because she makes me feel skinny. which is isnt true. i have faith that most women arent as shallow as the ones who have commented bellow, most of you have been ignorant and stubborn and i advise you to rethink your “preferances”
            1. 1.5.1

              Clover1991

              And I will probably get ripped for saying this too but I wouldn’t feel too bad about the comments here. Some are trolls, some find it easy to be rude and self righteous when they are anonymous. Some are here trying to find someone because they can’t admit their sucky personalities and sense of entitlement are why they have to come to a dating site.
          3. 1.6

            Egypt

            Totally agree lady anonymous
            1. 1.6.1

              Shorty 🙂

              I’m a short man and I think most women would agree with lady anonymous… and that’s okay ladies, it is just a fact of life, not your fault. But thank you for being polite while stating your opinion, that was kind of you. The women who read this website seem to be highly intelligent and well adjusted and good-hearted. Big hugs to you all. I was married for 19 years to a very sweet, very short woman, so life worked out okay for the two of us shorties. Not all short men are so lucky as me though. This twitter stream is an example of what we live with all of our lives: https://twitter.com/heightismxposed
        1. 2

          Sam

          I agree that short men have it very, very hard. The discrimination short men face is more unfair than the discrimination overweight women face since no one has any control over his/her height and being short, unlike being overweight, being short does not mean you are physically incapable of things.One question I have is why women find it so easy to make a guy feel self-conscious about his height. I’m 5’8” and several women have admitted – before our date = they have reservations about my height, asking me questions like “are you really 5’8”?” I would NEVER make a woman feel bad because of her height or weight, so I do not understand why many women do not give shorter-than-average men the same consideration.
          1. 2.1

            tamara

            Those women who made you feel bad about your height were b*tchy losers and you shouldn’t worry about what they think. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s true. I’m 5 feet 4 or 5 inches, and I do prefer guys at least 2 or 3 inches taller than me, and I’ve mostly dated such guys. But the guy I was the most in love with was a childhood friend about my height or a teeny bit taller (the moment I wore heels I was way taller). There was noone more attractive in the world to me, esp because he had such an amazingly good heart…You sound like a sensitive and nice person, and so you deserve much better than those unkind women anyway. If they’d been attracted to you and u later ended up marrying one of them, she probably wouldn’t have made you happy.
            3.2
          1. Anita Simmons Kearney
            the reason we have such disparity in heights is because when two short people mate they make short people duh, short women marry up literally.They want their children to be taller. we are attracted to our polar opposite for a reason. also our culture conditions us to what is attractive and desirable and we follow like the sheep we are …superficial little sheep that pay lip service to  “it only matters what is on the inside”  I call BS on all that
            1. 3.2.1

              Torsh Johansen

              Anita, I disagree on the kids part — it’s not that simple.  If it were, you’d find short women who’ve already had their kids and not wanting more, not find height a problem with guys.  Or you’d find short ladies roll right to a much cuter shorter guy vs the okay-looking taller guy, but not want a relationship. Or when on Spring Break (just for fun!), the shorter gals wouldn’t aim to pair up with the taller guys. Not all short women are that way so much.  But still, they want a guy notably taller than they.  Why?  They don’t want the “shorter” guy in the room.  They don’t want to look/feel like they’re “settling”.  The more avid a gal is for social status, attention, etc — the more apt she’ll be to want a taller guy when she’s short and the whole height thing is taken care of by 99% of options out there.  She wants an Accomplishment — a big fish pulled out of the sea where there’s plenty of fish.
              1. bruno

                Women love powerful men, in stature and social dominance. Taller people are perceived more as leaders and have higher status. When a women’s husband is taller than her friends husband, then she wins that one–he may be an ass, but he is more of a man in the most shallow sense. Silly, but until women become more confident in their own values and self assessments, they find comfort in playing the games where society tells them what to avoid. BTW, I am 5 foot 8, which is not tall, but does not seem like an issue with my attractiveness–maybe they just want me for sex?
              2. RustyLH

                No, she is right…it does have to do with kids. It is biological programming. Just because she has mentally decided that she has had enough kids does not mean the biological programming stops working. I don’t see a reason to beat women up over this. I have my preferences also, as do many men. I definitely prefer women who are above average in looks. I know everyone likes to think they are at least just a little above average, but it’s the reality of the situation. The thing is, we all do that. They did research in a university and found that people will set their sites high when they are very young and first start noticing the opposite sex. Read that as all the guys want the head cheerleader, and all the girls want the star quarterback. Of course we aren’t all going to get the 10s, and after many rejections, we rest for s short period, and then look around again, slightly lowering our expectations. So now we are at the 9’s. If we again keep getting rejected, we move down to the 8’s. At the same time this process can be sped up if we are being approached by the opposite sex in enough numbers, and we begin too notice the prettiest girls or handsomest guys that approach us. At some point we learn where we fit in. After long relationships that end, we often have to go through this process again. What it really comes down to is a sort of economics. There is a very real economy there. If you go to one large area and the girls just aren’t very pretty but there are plenty of handsome men, then girls will likely be able to get guys that they wouldn’t in an area with many more very pretty girls. I’ve seen that work in reverse a few times also.While I was in the Navy, I saw several couples break up for this reason. In every case, the man had married a girl that was quite pretty. They were from fairly isolated areas like very small towns in Idaho, Wyoming, Montana, etc… They joined the Navy, and after a short period, brought their wife to live with them in San Diego. Well…welcome to the big city where beautiful people are everywhere. Suddenly these girls see guys that are very good looking, also noticing them. Never failed…these women would start to date some hunky guy while we were at sea for 6 months. And the Dear John letter followed.Note that I am not saying this is right, or OK…just that it is what it is.
              3. CPTAlon

                Rusty…. Biological Programing? This is in a science book? …LMAO
            2. 3.2.2

              mark

              That’s not true, because if one wanted to “marry up”, then men would have too look for taller women to fulfill tall children, but men prefer shorter women.
            3. 3.2.3

              mark king

              Anita, I’m 5’5″, but I Can truly offer you something big.You see, one notable thing about stature is that size can’t be determined by it.Trust me.
              1. Kate

                You crack me up!  It’s all the same when you’re both lying down in bed!  :)
            4. 3.2.4

              Jesse

              You do know that a tall man doesn’t always make tall kids, right? My dad was 6’6″…I’m 5’3″. I’m a carbon copy of him in all but height.
            5. 3.2.5

              Traveller

              @Anita:That’s not actually true. Two short people can have tall kids, and vice versa. Height is controlled by a number of factors, and is not easily predictable. Example: my neighbor is 5’8″, his wife is 5’1″, and they have three kids, a girl who is about 5’9″, and two boys who are both over 6′. And yes, they are all their natural children.So you can’t make assumptions; height is dependent on too many different influences and is not predictable in the simple way you imply.
            6. 3.2.6

              Clover1991

              My grandfather was 5.6 and my grandmother was 5.2. Their 7 children ranged from 4.10 to 6.2. Go figure.
          2. 3.3

            shawn

            I agree with you completely. It makes perfect sense for taller women to want taller guys. What doesn’t make sense is why a women who is say 5’0 wouldn’t date someone my height. I’m 5’4 so I would be 4 inches taller than her.
            1. 3.3.1

              Traveller

              Shawn, it’s because short women feel they have lots of options. Any time people feel that they can have anything they want, they become pickier.This is why the Internet is a terrible place to date. The huge number of people online makes everyone feel that they can afford to be as picky as they like.
          3. 3.4

            mcurious1

            Why? Because we can.  A lot of men find petite women very attractive. As this thread is proving, dating isn’t fair. I’m 5’3″ and most of the men I date are above 6′ and they are the ones to approach/pursue me. That said, I approach/date men of all heights. I find the comments about shorter men not maturing pretty ridiculous and borderline offensive. Some ethnicities tend to be shorter/smaller. The not liking shorter guys thing is just base biology and gender expectations at its core. Sure, ladies, you are welcome to embrace this, but then don’t be upset if the men around you also embrace their biological urge for a young, physically attractive woman with a nice body.
          4. 3.5

            Anna

            As already noted, this is a matter of personal preference.  Are you annoyed because the preference of shorter women for taller men seems to be mutual?
        2. 4

          timotea

          Most short guys I know have wicked Napoleon complexes. It may be subconscious or not, but they tend to overcompensate by being overbearing, sanctimonious know-it-alls who are often bitter about women. I feel for them just like I would for an obese woman, but pushiness in a short man tells me he hasn’t gotten over his height and is a major turnoff.
          1. 4.1

            bruno

            Comparing a short guy to someone suffering from obesity? Really? I guess this one really sums it up! I guess women would prefer a man 150 pounds over weight, than date a 5 foot 3 inch gymnastic stud? That is not to pass any judgment on such a choice–it is theirs alone to make. I just find it eye opening. But, if an overweight women wants to feel something that she is not (dainty), then the 350 pounder is a match made in heaven! I actually understand now.
          2. 4.2

            Me

            Oh yeah, and what type of complex do fat women have?
          3. 4.3

            Iced Earth

            The real problem is too many people (people like timotea) believe shorter men are supposed to be weak & meek and people expect them to act like that. If your short and show confidence in your self, if your intelligent and thoughtful then you have a “Napoleon” complex or your overbearing since you do not conform to societal norms. FYI Napoleon was of slightly above avg height for his time 5″6″. It is the same concept when women who are smart and aggressive are labeled bitches. So I doubt most short men you know have any type of complex. They are just acting in a way that’s contrary to your expectations.
            Thank goodness for that!.
            1. 4.3.1

              CPTAlon

              Amen  to that,  Using the term Napoleon complex just shows their prejudice.  Short men we are damn if we do and damn if we don’t. You can’t win. If you don’t always stand up for yourself than you are weak. If you always stand up for yourself than you have a Napoleon complex. Women will say just be confident and that will fix everything. Women will lie straight to your face so they will not seem shallow,  since women are always accusing men of being shallow, they will simply try to cover up their own shallowness.
              1. Mostly fat women whine about their situation. Men short, tall or whatever simply adjust to the situation and deal with it.I want young men who just happen to be short, to know how to deal with predjudice people like you in the work place, that is my point. You showed your ignorance again by posting some crap from a website which was just someone’s predjudice opinion. What I posted has true research to back it up. Napoleon complex is a myth.I am not whining I am simply trying to educate the ignorant like you and if some young man is reading this they will know how to recognize and how to deal with people like you, they will know how  you think; they will know how to recognize people like you and the best way to react. This discussion is not about dating, it is about you.I agree there is a lack of respect for men in America but some men don’t deserve respect because of their trashy or egotistical behavior.
                You are a good example of that. Short men like any other men don’t need anybody’s sympathy. I just saw how this story points out women’s shallowness because the subject is always men’s shallowness. No one is arguing that either side is shallow, both men and women do basicly the same thing, which is the point I have made dumbass.
                Rusty it’s like you are doing a lot of talking but not understanding my point. It sucks you cannnot cut me off in mid sentence like you probably would do in your dailey life. You cannot simply dismissed my point because you feel someone who is short should not have an opinion. I will keep on responding until you finally get it.

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog

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2 thoughts on “Dating Body Image EMKatz on Short Men and Chubby Women.. email woman dumped because overweight.

  1. My son is small for a man, but he has girls hanging all over him. No shortage of females and most of the females are taller than him. It doesn’t matter if you find the one.

    Liked by 1 person

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