Dating coach Evan Marc Katz blew open a discussion about body image .. it is harsh and the comments .. worse..some of the comments are snipey and unkind… So if you are feeling sensitive.. do not read this.
I am realistic, I know you have to be attracted physically to who you want to marry. I have an email from a woman who is trying to be realistic too. She fell for a man in the public eye. They got along amazingly well and spent hours together, he was attracted to her and physical with her but mentioned he would be more attracted when she loses weight. One of her friends said he must be a narcissist to dump her for her weight and awkwardness when she will eventually get that together, she had been losing weight but had to take a time out temporarily from heavy exercise because of an injury. But she is tired of people slapping the narcissist label on every man that wants something for his own reasons. What would you say to this woman to encourage her?
EMK’s article.. has a lot of talk about physical attraction… raw talk and sometimes it hurts. How can we heal from this and accept ourselves as we are when people we love or want to love go for the surface looks over our personhood? When we know they really dig us and it is only physical flaws that keeps them from thinking we are the whole package they are looking for. That is the tough reality… especially in the public eye and media… but also in the local junior high.
As I am trying to help my children with their body image… and they are constantly bombarded with the obesity campaign at school. It is distressing to see very young kids be so upset over a little bit of weight.. but they sense that they may not get what they want if they are not the best they can be, especially the close relationships they want. Some say how do we combat biology… just make the best of what you have and don’t give up. But in the meantime… how do we teach ourselves and teach our kids how to feel confident when the world says you don’t rate unless you look like this.
Any positive feedback or wisdom about what you tell your kids or friends .. welcome.
Dating from EMK:
If You Are Short, Fat, or Older, You Must Read This.
If you’re a regular reader, you probably knew that I was on the CBS Early Show in July. Appearing with me was one of my all-time favorite clients, Tom Pandolfo. Charming, charismatic, successful, warm, athletic… Tom has it all. The only thing missing in his life is a woman. So, after hiring me as his dating coach, we set to work in rebranding him on Match.com. We took new professional photos. We had Tom fill out my long questionnaire and submit to an hour of questions from me on the phone. We wrote two new profile essays that were unique, funny and confident. We renamed him “LookMaNoHair.” And we watched as his in-box filled up with interested women. You can see what a great experience it was in this CBS Early Show clip: What I haven’t yet mentioned is that Tom Pandolfo is 5’3″. I didn’t want to mention it for the same reason that Tom didn’t want to mention it in his profile: because it’s irrelevant to anything that makes him a good accountant, husband, or father. Yet his height defines him, since it has prevented otherwise interested women from being interested in him over the course of his entire life.
Height is irrelevant to anything that makes a man a good husband or father.
This instantly reminded me of a story thatABC did years ago on this very issue. To see if the women would go for short guys who were successful, ABCNEWS’ Lynn Sherr created extraordinary résumés for the shorter men. She told the women that the shorter men included a doctor, a best-selling author, a champion skier, a venture capitalist who’d made millions by the age of 25. Nothing worked. The women always chose the tall men. Sherr asked whether there’d be anything she could say that would make the shortest of the men, who was 5 feet, irresistible. One of the women replied, “Maybe the only thing you could say is that the other four are murderers.” Another backed her up, saying that had the taller men had a criminal record she might have been swayed to choose a shorter man. Another said she’d have considered the shorter men, if the taller men had been described as “child molesters.” Lest you think this is an example of reality TV finding evidence to support a story, Tom tried his own experiment last week. Sure enough, few women give a fair shake to a man who is 5’3”, no matter what else he has going for him. I’m going to let Tom take it from here. So I tried changing my profile for three days just to see what the difference was between being 5’3″ and 5’10”. I wanted to know if height was the only difference and the constant deal breaker. So I moved my profile from Pittsburgh and posted it for 3 days in a town where nobody knew me (Philadelphia). Here’s what I found:
|5’3” in Pittsburgh||5’10” in Philadelphia|
|Petite women w/pics w/in 50 miles||45||650|
|Views in 3 days||11||212|
|Emails received – unsolicited||0||32|
|Winks received – unsolicited||2||28|
|Emails sent out||6||6|
|Replies received to emails sent out||0||6|
This proves, in stark and undeniable terms, two things:… Life – and people – can be incredibly unfair. We talked about this just the other day. People want what they want. They’re attracted to what they’re attracted to. And no amount of complaining is going to change it. Oh, and I am one helluva dating coach. 60 unsolicited contacts in three days? Six replies from six emails sent? Come on. That’s pretty damn good! Okay, I’m kidding about the last part, but only because I’m so serious about the rest of this. Really, it kills me.
Why, in God’s name, is it important for women to stand on tiptoes to kiss a guy?
Believe me, Tom is no “woe-is-me” kind of guy. He’s just been confronted with a very ugly reality that has shaken his confidence in people. And even though we had good initial results, the fact remains, empirically: women don’t want short men. And although you can feel free to substitute“older women”, “older men”, “heavier women”, or “Asian men”, I honestly feel that nobody gets a rawer deal than short guys. Honestly, ladies…You can get your own dishes from the top shelf. You don’t really need to feel “protected” from the dangers of suburbia. And why, in God’s name, is it important to stand on your tiptoes to kiss a guy? So how about it, women? Is there any legitimate reason not to go out with this amazing, amazing man? Talk to me. I want to hear the truth.
The comments continue… and just get more harsh.. but it is interesting.