Melanie Tonia Evans is particularly good on this radio show. Notes below.
It’s actually impossible to have a healthy and genuine relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
People suffering from NPD don’t heal and don’t become healthy people – because someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is deeply unconscious and won’t take personal responsibility for the inner wounding that causes their horrendous behaviour.
Additionally he / she cannot give up narcissistic supply (the self-medicating of inner emotional pain) for long enough to meet, claim, embrace and deal with these inner wounds.
In stark contrast, the narcissist does EVERYTHING to self-avoid, garnish narcissistic supply and project their inner wounds onto others. It’s important to understand that if narcissists don’t do the inner work on their wounds – the exact reason they are capable of behaving in a malicious and pathological way – any words, admissions and “sorrys” cannot hold up even if they were “genuine” at the time.
The behaviour is ruled by their emotional wounds and False Self. Narcissists literally can’t STOP the way they behave. And never could, unless they did take responsibility for their wounds and healed them.
By the time the cracks are wide open in the relationship and the cycle of violence becomes more and more frequent and more and more damaging (meaning: abusive event … damage resulting … reunite … tension builds … next abusive event …) then the narcissist firmly believes he or she is the victim and you are the perpetrator.
This is the only way the Narcissist’s False Self can deal with what is happening …ZERO personal genuine responsibility that lasts – and you can argue, prescribe, lecture, demand and jump up and down on your head 1000 times and it will make not one scrap of difference.
So … rather than perceiving the divorce and horrendous things that are happening as a powerless victimised disaster – we can start accepting they are in fact a message.
A message to show us that our subconscious and conscious minds are not aligned on the topic of “love” otherwise narcissistic abuse and the divorce experience could not be in our reality.
But now it is our reality and it is showing us our wounds that we can heal. Parts of ourselves we can claim, and shift … and how when we get through this and emerge as healed and transformed we will no longer have to attract “messages about our necessary evolution” that are this painful and devastating.
Also, we will have the subconscious and conscious alignment to experience love that IS healthy and real.
Many people when stuck in the unconscious, victimised model (which I promise you is normal, I initially spent a lot of time there too) don’t believe this has anything to do with working on their beingness.
So … they continue the doingness – trying to combat the narcissist.
Making attempts to defend themselves against attacks without doing any work on their subconscious wounds to align with their conscious mind of “what they do want”.
And their wounded subconscious continues to produce in their experience (via the narcissist) all the evidence that supports the inner painful beliefs wedged inside them.
Let me grant you some really common examples that I have seen time and time again play out within people’s subconscious (until they do the work on healing them) over the last 8 years.
These are wounds from childhood that have never been healed – the wounds that the narcissist is playing on, battering and offloading his or her damaged self onto.
These are the wounds that are the very reason you got enmeshed with a narcissist (beneath the level of conscious realisation) and why you have had trouble letting him or her go.
It is the glue that binds you in this deadly game of love destruction.
These are an example of wounds which once found, released and up-levelled will cease to create this – by taking away the other half of the magnet.
These wounds are:
- Feeling insignificant, unlovable and unworthy (Having suffered abandonment, punishment, criticism as a child and / or taken on that ancestral DNA).
- Feeling like your boundaries were encroached, and you had no personal space, rights or truth (Having suffered violation, enmeshment as a child and / or taken on that ancestral DNA).
- Feeling powerless to be yourself and express your truth, live your truth and be allowed to be yourself (Having suffered invalidation as a child and / or taken on that ancestral DNA).
- Feeling like you are not worth loving, and that you are unacceptable as you are (Having suffered conditional love as a child and / or taken on that ancestral DNA).
I popped a post up in my Facebook Group regarding the producing of this article series and asked people if they had any requests or comments to share.
What was consistent, naturally, were posts of struggle and pain.
Some examples were: The reeling in disbelief regarding the N being so nice at the start and ending up a monster … and
The desire to keep rescuing and saving the narc from their own demise, and not being able to pull back from that … and
The utter devastation of being treated so cruelly.
(These are only 3 of many examples.)
We could look at all of this logically and state “Of course I would feel like that!” but if we really want to transcend, heal and break out of the painful patterns in our life, we have to ask ourselves this: “Why is MY tendency towards certain triggers different from someone else’s – even though they are being treated in pretty much identical narc ways?”
The reason is: because the higher purpose of the narcissist is to bring evidence to you of your existing inner painful programs as a whopping great super serve so that they get your attention.
What these three emotional topics above are really about are these painful unhealed beliefs:
“I can’t trust people who are supposed to love me.”
“If I fix other people then they can be safe and I can be safe.”
“People who are supposed to love me hurt me.”
What happens to, us as per the narcissist’s treatment, relates to our painful inner programming generally experienced in our childhood. The narcissist is unconsciously attuned to use your greatest wounds against you – because that’s EXACTLY what narcissists do with UNCANNY accuracy.
Then your emotional reaction of having these very young wounds, which are still alive in your body, ripped open again … grants the narcissist the fuel to attack you even more.
And your inner wounds generate the self-abuse of not being able to move past “what happened to me” even long after the narcissist is gone.
This is the reason why if healing is not taken to a deeper level – the healing of “why this happened to me” – people do not recover from narcissistic abuse.
Unless they can authentically just choose to let the hurt / wound go.
(Most mere mortals including myself struggle to do this with severe trauma.)
Go onto any standard abuse forum and you will see the evidence everywhere – regarding people sadly and painfully stuck in the regurgitation of “what happened to them”.
This is because they never break free with the understanding and healing of “why it happened.”
Emotions Come First
None of the painful subconscious emotional programs we accumulated were “conscious” decisions – they are not what you want and NOT what you thought you were signing up for with the narcissist.
These were emotional programs you absorbed as a child (emotionally experienced) in theta brainwave with no conscious sophistication to filter out or decide differently.
Every message with any emotional component was accepted as “true” – without exception.
The ones we are concerned about are the clumsy, thoughtless, crappy, and terrible ones.
By the way please don’t blame your parents even if they are narcissists. Their own subconscious and subsequent behaviour is created by the messages they received from their unconscious role models.
Heal your wounds from them. These are YOUR wounds … they are in your body (subconscious) regardless of how they got there.
Trying to hold anyone else responsible for them means handing your power over, and of course means you will never be healed.
Understanding our subconscious is key …
Our subconscious programs are firmly in control of 95% of our life with the power of our conscious mind being only 5% of our feelings, thoughts and actions by the time we are 35 years of age.
What is important to understand is the greater part of our programming happened before 7 years of age – the time when a child’s subconscious has the voracious ability to download and absorb astounding amounts of information in order to participate in the human experience. This is truly the feat of a “mega computer”.
Now … you might ask what this has to do with the practicalities of what you are going through with divorce … with custody … with property … with every anguish, hurdle and challenge.
The answer is: It has everything to do with it.
Because when you make this journey all about the necessary reprogramming of yourself, you will evolve beyond this “lesson”.
Then rather than showing up feeling the powerlessness and helplessness you felt within the emotional container of these young wounds (I promise you that is what is going on) you will be operating from an adult emotional container instead and this is when you will take your power back.
You start getting your power back by having the vital emotional inner integration to set adult clear boundaries, and make adult clear decisions.
From an integrated state (being free of the wounds) not only are you emotionally solid … inspirations also come to you about what to do, and you become an energetic match to attract the right people, solutions and support.
Additionally, because the narcissist is no longer receiving your emotional pain and fear as the fuel to feed his or her terror campaign (this can be simply emotionally energetic – not even “real” communication) he / she LOSES power and often has to take the projections, punishment and drama to someone else who will provide the necessary fuel.
Because of having their fuel line cut, many narcissists stop the behaviour and even do settlements and custody agreements all of a sudden for this reason.
When there is no more emotional supply to get, the narcissist has to move on.
But none of this is possible when you are stuck in your young unconscious wounds of pain, fear, devastation, powerlessness and victimisation – or anger, resentment, or any other negative emotion that is not aligned as grace, transcendence and true evolved personal power.
So many people, (generally those stuck in pain and victimisation) believe it is totally irresponsible to work on your emotions and not take action.
I am not saying, “Don’t take action!”
What I am saying is this: “Work on your emotions first! Heal your triggered powerless inner programs, and then you will take action that has a positive effect.”
There are people everywhere doing a ton of “doing” and “acting” against narcs with no change to their inner being – their programming – and the results are shocking.
There is no amount of “doing” that substitutes for “being” – because the total truth is: our entire life is being created from within.
Hence the TOTAL lesson of narcissism – the most dire state of unconsciousness – is for us to discover true consciousness.
From the most ghastly of darkness lies the seed of the purest of light.
(This is in fact another Quantum Reality – every-thing comes from no-thing.)
Okay … back to the real life playout …
Of course this is not about healing yourself and taking no action … of course you can defend yourself.
But the difference is: when you have done the work on yourself you will be able to take action calmly, factually and solidly in your integrity – which means not being emotionally derailed.
And no matter what the narcissist tries to throw (which will run out of steam sooner or later with you no longer feeding it) rather than being emotionally pummelled by lies, maliciousness, insane greed and accusations, complete betrayal by using information against you, attempted abuse by proxy and any of the other assorted nasty narcissistic tricks … you will have a benign emotional response (because you no longer have the matching inner wounds) and you will deal with it all factually and straight down the line.
Then … I promise you, you will see how powerless narcissists really are, and how they unravel.
Please lean into and feel what I am saying.
Something inside you cellularly knows this to be true …
It resonates, because it is the truth.
But you are not going to live this truth until you can either authentically let go of your woundedness and have no emotional charge, or you do the essential inner work on yourself in order to.
I hope this has helped you realise the deeper reasons why you are going through such a painful time in your life … and I hope it has allowed you some In-Sight (inner awakening) into what is really going on for you – as well as the knowing you are not powerless, and you can turn this around.
Next week in Part 2 … I want to talk about some of the very painful aspects of divorce – such as being replaced with a new partner, fears for your children over custody battles, and the loss of money, property and resources.
Please stay tuned!
And please pass this article on to people who you know are suffering.