Melanie Tonia Evans brilliantly describes the cycle of
Idolize, devalue and discard and how it is similar to the cycle of violence.
Here is part one of her podcast.
Here is an excerpt that explains a bit about how we get addicted to or hooked into the attention:
How We Believed We Were Genuinely Loveable and Acceptable
What I really, really believe is so thoroughly intoxicating about the idolisation stage is that finally (usually for the first time) we feel like we have been able to fall in love and acceptance with ourselves.
This is what one Facebook Member wrote, “I look forward to it (the article) Melanie, especially about the idolizing stage. When I think back to the beginning I feel like I fell in love with myself. Is this part of the idolizing stage?”
What is so captivating about the idolisation stage is, we finally accept ourselves as who we are. We finally feel attractive regardless of those few extra pounds or wrinkles. We feel so adored through the narcissist’s proclamations of “unconditional love” that we begin to feel “worthy and valuable” just as we are.
We believe the quest of having to be different, better or prove ourselves in order for people to love us, is over.
We are getting from the narcissist all the feedback that we may have missed out on and craved desperately as children, which continued as a pattern for us as adults.
We feel “whole” and “in love” with ourselves.
But … just like obsession is NOT real love, loving ourselves through the proclamations of another … instead of a genuine connection between us and our own Inner Identity is NOT real.
“Unconditional love” from another is not unconditional. It is in fact terrifyingly precarious if we have not as yet established unconditional love within ourselves.
For two reasons … one … because people can only genuinely reflect back to us the level of love that we have for ourselves. So think about what I am about to say … what this means is if we ARE reliant on it, then it isn’t genuine – because we were not whole to begin with.
And … two … the fact that we are reliant on it means that once it is removed we will be hooked onto this person trying to force them to provide it for us again.